Retail Therapy Gone Very Wrong

Mrs. Nurse Boy here.

My Grandma was a fascinating woman. She believed in retail therapy in a way no other woman in my family did. I loved to go shopping with her. She was fun and, most importantly, she bought me stuff.

But, her retail therapy extended far beyond the mall. As a young child, I remember boxes from various home shopping networks resting on her front porch often. I remember watching with delight as she opened her new watch, bracelet, makeup, shirt, or pants. She had such great taste that I knew I would love the treasure found inside each and every box.

I blame her for my fascination with infomercials.

You see, I am a night owl. I always have been. However, since I am now spending my days chasing and cleaning up after children, I often find myself awake and without energy at night. I am awake, but I can't seem to actually do anything productive. Once everyone is asleep, I just might find myself scrolling through the 100 channels of nothingness on cable. Nothing but infomercials, that is...

I must admit they suck me in every time. It may be the endless energy each person has on the TV as they shout positive phrases at me. It must be the perfect body I can get in "only 10 minutes a day!" Or, the fast way I can cook my food to perfection so EVERYONE in my family will love it. It is definitely the way I can save "time, energy, and money" cleaning my bathrooms, kitchen, and floors. And, I do love those undergarments that magically "suck in" all of your rolls and instantly take inches off of your body. (How comfortable can THAT be? I guess it doesn't matter how you feel when you look that great in a matter of seconds.) Maybe it is the lawn I can have in just a few days with little to no effort. (Oh, wait. That didn't work. See the last post.) Perhaps it is the way all of those magical foundations and creams can and will "erase years" off of my face.

Oh, I have gotten sucked in. I mean, who doesn't want to look like Cindy Crawford, Christy Brinkley, or even Victoria Principle? I am not stupid. I KNOW it was just that ONE, SINGLE product that made them who they are today. And, I should be grateful that they are going to let me purchase it for $100...no, wait. If I order now, they will take 50% off. That's a low price of only $50. But, wait...they will also send me a free gift...

OK, so now I just find myself wishing that their claims are at least partially true. I have weak moments. Several months ago I ordered Sheer Cover off of the TV. Well, let's just say, it wasn't sheer enough for me and it left me with a greasy, shiny face.

Too bad that stuff didn't turn me into a model with a wrinkle-free, glowing face. I wished the same for my sorry lawn. I can still see the "grass seed on steroids" laying on top of our dirt covered patches. Seeds, NOT baby grass. Lonely, very expensive seeds.

Sorry face, sorry lawn, sorry pocket book. I have learned my lesson. No more infomercials for me.

Oh, but wait...look at that ab machine...