Sometimes it weighs heavy.
Sometimes it blesses me beyond my own comprehension.
Lately, it has been weighing a bit heavy. (Funny how my blogging always gets really light when my life doesn't always seems so funny.)
Truthfully, I KNOW I am blessed. Very blessed. I KNOW my life could be much more complicated. But, KNOWING that doesn't always make it easier.
This year has been so full of hope and frustration. I find hope in our future. I love that my husband is going to school and pursuing a dream. I am honored to support him as he works towards an amazing goal that will allow him more opportunities and control over his career. I happen to know that he is a gifted and talented nurse. I can only imagine what a blessing he will be once he is a Nurse Practitioner. I am honored to be on this journey with him. I truely love and respect him more than he will ever know. I am his biggest fan.
But, before you sound the Disney princess music and imagine the words, "And they lived happily ever after," across my blog, let me share that I am also FRUSTRATED. Not with my husband, but with my circumstances.
Recently, I was laid off from my very part-time job as a preschool teacher. Sure, I only worked 12 hours a week and my paychecks were slightly laughable, but I FELT like I was bringing something to the table. It added some dimension to my life. It was something I enjoyed. So, I struggled to find my new normal as the 2010-2011 school year started up and my job ended.
I sought God as I poured myself into several new opportunities. I was feeling a little bitter and confused. I have LOVED staying home with my kids, but it felt like it might be time for me to start working again. Time for me to focus on some of MY dreams. After all, I have completely given up my career. I haven't officially taught in the classroom for over 10 years. Who would hire me? Could I even be the teacher I once was? Honestly, I have spent the last 11 years pouring into everyone else BUT me. I started to feel slighted. OK, maybe even a bit selfish. I am not saying all of my feelings were rational, but that's how I was feeling. I adore my family, but I was wondering when something... anything... could be about me. (Yeah, throwing a pity party is never good, but I seem to throw them every now and again. I am woman, hear me roar.)
After about 2 months of feeling a bit sorry for myself (and guilty for feeling that way), God clearly told me that I am supposed to just STAY HOME this year. I am not supposed to worry about paying the bills. I am not suppose to worry about Nurse Boy's school. I am not supposed to worry about Nurse Boy's schedule. I am not even suppose to worry about next year. I am suppose to stay home and embrace my purpose during this season of our lives. I came home and told Nurse Boy what I had been feeling and what I thought God was telling me to do. To be honest, I may have shed a few tears. It didn't completely make sense to me, but with the support of my God and my husband, it would be OK. Plus, obedience is usually followed by blessings and I'll take as many of those I can get!
The very next day, the phone rang. It was an amazing part-time job opportunity, complete with free preschool for Sweet Pea. The offer came from a sweet friend of mine who needed help in her third grade classroom. After praying with Nurse Boy, we knew it was a test. I turned down the offer and put my trust in God. Most days it is easy. Some days it can be frustrating. But, I do KNOW that I am right where I am supposed to be and there is peace in knowing that.
Oh, I still fight worry. I am concerned about next semester when Nurse Boy has to cut back at work to make time for a demanding class. I am still not sure how we will pay all of the bills, but I am trusting God. And, the biggest blessing has been my husband's support. He has been listening to all of my frustrations and concerns with an open mind. On one particular evening, he listened to me as I fought with my conflicted emotions. He turned to me and said that he would stop going to school right now if I wanted to pursue one of my dreams. He was serious. He doesn't know how much I needed to hear that. It put everything in perspective. He would do the same for me.
I pray God uses me to encourage my husband when balancing work, school, and family seems like too much.
And, I thank God that my husband is MY biggest fan.
3 hours ago