~Poop On Jelly~

Our Family's Bitter/Sweet Life

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Just Some "Stuff"


Sometimes it weighs heavy.

Sometimes it blesses me beyond my own comprehension.

Lately, it has been weighing a bit heavy.  (Funny how my blogging always gets really light when my life doesn't always seems so funny.) 

Truthfully, I KNOW I am blessed.  Very blessed.  I KNOW my life could be much more complicated.  But, KNOWING that doesn't always make it easier. 

This year has been so full of hope and frustration.  I find hope in our future.  I love that my husband is going to school and pursuing a dream.  I am honored to support him as he works towards an amazing goal that will allow him more opportunities and control over his career.  I happen to know that he is a gifted and talented nurse.  I can only imagine what a blessing he will be once he is a Nurse Practitioner.  I am honored to be on this journey with him. I truely love and respect him more than he will ever know.  I am his biggest fan.

But, before you sound the Disney princess music and imagine the words, "And they lived happily ever after," across my blog, let me share that I am also FRUSTRATED.  Not with my husband, but with my circumstances. 

Recently, I was laid off from my very part-time job as a preschool teacher.  Sure, I only worked 12 hours a week and my paychecks were slightly laughable, but I FELT like I was bringing something to the table.  It added some dimension to my life.  It was something I enjoyed.  So, I struggled to find my new normal as the 2010-2011 school year started up and my job ended.

I sought God as I poured myself into several new opportunities.  I was feeling a little bitter and confused.  I have LOVED staying home with my kids, but it felt like it might be time for me to start working again.  Time for me to focus on some of MY dreams.  After all, I have completely given up my career.  I haven't officially taught in the classroom for over 10 years.  Who would hire me?  Could I even be the teacher I once was?  Honestly, I have spent the last 11 years pouring into everyone else BUT me.  I started to feel slighted.  OK, maybe even a bit selfish.  I am not saying all of my feelings were rational, but that's how I was feeling.  I adore my family, but I was wondering when something... anything... could be about me.  (Yeah, throwing a pity party is never good, but I seem to throw them every now and again.  I am woman, hear me roar.)

After about 2 months of feeling a bit sorry for myself (and guilty for feeling that way), God clearly told me that I am supposed to just STAY HOME this year.  I am not supposed to worry about paying the bills.  I am not suppose to worry about Nurse Boy's school.  I am not supposed to worry about Nurse Boy's schedule.  I am not even suppose to worry about next year.  I am suppose to stay home and embrace my purpose during this season of our lives.  I came home and told Nurse Boy what I had been feeling and what I thought God was telling me to do. To be honest, I may have shed a few tears.  It didn't completely make sense to me, but with the support of my God and my husband, it would be OK.  Plus, obedience is usually followed by blessings and I'll take as many of those I can get! 

The very next day, the phone rang.  It was an amazing part-time job opportunity, complete with free preschool for Sweet Pea.  The offer came from a sweet friend of mine who needed help in her third grade classroom.  After praying with Nurse Boy, we knew it was a test.  I turned down the offer and put my trust in God.  Most days it is easy.  Some days it can be frustrating.  But, I do KNOW that I am right where I am supposed to be and there is peace in knowing that.

Oh, I still fight worry.  I am concerned about next semester when Nurse Boy has to cut back at work to make time for a demanding class.  I am still not sure how we will pay all of the bills, but I am trusting God.  And, the biggest blessing has been my husband's support.  He has been listening to all of my frustrations and concerns with an open mind.  On one particular evening, he listened to me as I fought with my conflicted emotions.  He turned to me and said that he would stop going to school right now if I wanted to pursue one of my dreams.  He was serious.  He doesn't know how much I needed to hear that.  It put everything in perspective.  He would do the same for me. 

I pray God uses me to encourage my husband when balancing work, school, and family seems like too much.

And, I thank God that my husband is MY biggest fan.


Brandi said...

I'm sorry you were laid off and have been struggling with all this. You're awesome, though... loved this post. I have seen myself how obedience is followed by blessings lately. It's a nice affirmation that you've done the right thing. :)

Boy Mom said...

A big HUMONGOUS hug to you, you beautiful, wonderful woman. I have been on my heart many times this past month and I have longed to call you for a lunch date, or a good long visit while trying on hats at Target, or even an afternoon watching a chick flick. I know the feelings you describe oh so well and feel for you deeply. A friend of mine read me a beautiful quote today about how deeply and personally we are loved by a wise Heavenly Father who knows each and every ache in our hearts. You are a beautiful example of this for me. I love how you turn to Him for guidance.

You two have such a strong, wonderful relationship. And I love when you share your thoughts, even if I can't be there to bring the pity party balloons, it makes me feel like I'm not the only one with a party going on.

Jacob is in Kansas City, MO. I don't know how close that is to you. But, that boy gives some powerful hugs.

Another big hug to you and those lucky family members you pour so much into.


Mummy McTavish said...

You're lucky you're not right here, right now. I'd give you a great big stinkin' hug and not let go for ages! But the upside to the fractured ribs I'd give you would be the huge amounts of chocolate I'd shovel into you. I guess you can do that one yourself if you want to and tell NB that I told you that you MUST!
This mummy has a few pitty parties every now and then... and then the guilt... oh the guilt... that you're feeling sorry for yourself and you have all these other things to look after and you're wallowing. But wallowing has to happen. We must wallow because wallowing is how we work through our "stuff". (I like the word "wallow")

Your nurse boy is pretty awesome, so glad he's looking after your precious heart.

Kmama said...

I'm sorry for all the turmoil you seem to be going through/feeling. I know how tough that can be. It's seems like you have made some hard, but good decisions. (HUGS) to you!

Rachel said...

These growing seasons are so tough!

Sometimes it's easier looking at it later and realizing that those painful things were part of the bigger picture. And being laid off put you exactly where God wanted you this year.

And even THAT is part of the bigger picture too. Even when we don't feel like that's where we want to be.

I can empathize from a different point of view - and am praying for both of us as God works out those things in our lives :)

mommy4life said...

Hugs to you. Even though we don't get to connect in person right now, I want you to know you are in my prayers frequently and your family holds a special place in my heart. I can identify (as I am sure most moms can) with your feelings.

Pam Bowers said...

Girl, you inspire me with how you processed all this and finally came to your conclusion. Sometimes it is so hard to follow God's will. You are an amazing woman! I will pray for your frustrations.

He & Me + 3 said...

It is amazing when you are in His perfect will for your life...doubt just goes out the window. You are an excellent mom and wife and you are doing what God has called you to do which is be there for your family. Us moms have to be that glue that keeps it all together. Work will come soon enough. I was feeling the same way, but I don't know if I could handle a real job with as busy as life has been since they all started school full time. I wish I were contributing monetarily, but I am contributing so much more by being at home.
Hang in there...

Suz said...

Thank you! Your pitty parties strengthen others. You are a rock, even though at times you feel crushed to pebbles.

I struggle when I think about all I am missing at home while I am supporting the family. Having a spouse in school is definitely harder when you add children and life. On the flip side a career and life change was needed. He has a desire to fulfill.

I think I have an ulcer, but I'll deal with it for another 1 1/2. We should have a big party when they are done.



Michelle said...

You are a wonderful, obedient woman and servant of God. You and your family will be so blessed because you chose to follow where God leads instead of your own plans. God will one day make your dreams come true, just like in the fairy princess stories, with the music and everything! But sometimes, God tells us to wait. You're truely an inspiration.

Jewel said...

Sitting here with tears in my eyes after reading this heart-felt post, Mrs. NB.
While raising our son, homeschooling and so on, many times I wanted to get a part-time job, go back to school or something but the Lord always gently nudged me, telling me that I was right where I needed to be, schooling our son, taking care of our home and my family.
Dr. Dobson once said that even when our children become teenagers they need us to be at home even more than ever. At least one parent needs to be at home, rested and ready for the family to come home at the end of the day and be able to find a safe place there, so that not everyone is tired and frazzled and going at eachother. I've never forgotten that.
Now I'm taking care of little Jaylon and when I sometimes get to feeling like I could be doing something for myself or, good heavens, something more important...hello....I quiet myself and remember what a privilege it is to be raising my little grandson, providing him with love and security in a godly home. AND I have him all to myself! :-)
There is NOTHING more important than what you are doing right now, Mrs. NB. Nothing! His word says so! That settles it, hm? :-) ((HUGS))

Theresa said...

Hugs to you both! We are dealing with some "Stuff", too, and are feeling a little worn out from the fight.

an encourager said...

I'm telling ya, sister, I understand! yep, truly and verily. i am much older than you, so of course, you know i will say what all 'olders' say - enjoy those kids. however, i am not so far gone (ok, i am, but am kin to peter pan) that i don't remember those exact same feelings that you are/were experiencing. It's okay. Normal. you are not alone (and i am tired so this is randomly typed and might not make total sense... eeek). anyhoo, just know that you are normal and that it is a blessing that you hear God, the maker of heaven and earth, the God of all, speak to you, and that your heart, tho pulled in two directions, wants to obey and honor Him. And.... it is NOT selfish to have desires. We have them as humans... but God... He quite often has other plans for us, and since He does know best, we bow we do to His will... (with His help). Oh, I just read the rest of your post (I am such a jump-the-gun-ner!) - and.. Praise God for a new job and a husband who listens and supports you... such a big, fat, great, wonderful thing!!!! (that alone makes me soooo very happy for you) praying that the God who owns the cattle on a thousand hills sells a few and provides abundantly for your fam. whew... think i'm done. :)

Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings said...

I've been going through some similar feelings, but here is what is weird -- I feel like I have reached a few dreams of mine and now I'd rather be at home. I'd rather be with Jonathan more than I am now...home for him when he needs to me. To be able to spend extra time with him, while also doing some photography, which I love. I went to school for journalism, I did the reporter thing. I've covered murder trials, ex-president visits, blah-blah-blah. Sure, there is so much more I could do, but I feel like I got a taste of that and it was cool, but now I want to be a mom with a photography business on the side.
Financially, we just can't do it, but maybe..maybe I need to find a way to trust God and do it. I don't feel I should leave my regular part time job just yet so I hope I recognize the sign when I see it!

Wendi said...

Wow! Thanks for being a testimony for me! You and your husband are so blessed to have each other. I know you will be blessed by honoring God, too. I'm praying for you!