Inside of Me

Mrs. Nurse Boy here.

It was 2 years ago that our family started on what seemed like a scary journey.  God was literally pushing and shoving us out of our comfort zone.  I was the one in the family with both hands and both feet spread across the doorway frame; bracing myself, fighting with God, crying out for my comfort zone. 

God was calling us to leave our church of 10 years.  Not only that, but He was calling us out of our comfort zone.  I knew it was the right thing to do.  I had seen all of the doors close. Some of them even slammed in my face. I had some personal things I needed to change. We had some convictions that we needed to address.   I was ready to grow, but I never could have prepared myself for all of the changes.

I THOUGHT I knew why God was calling for major change in our lives.  Reflecting back, it was only the tip of the iceberg.  I had no idea all He was going to do in our lives.  In many ways, I still don't.  He is still moving.  And, sometimes, I find I am still bracing myself.  Truth be told, with all of my being, I want to let go of the door frame and just trust Him.  Sounds so easy, yet sometimes I struggle.

Over the last 2 years, the Sanctus Real song, "Whatever You're Doing" has been my theme song.  I am certain it was written just for me.  (You are welcome.)  Here is the chorus:

Whatever you're doing inside of me

It feels like chaos, somehow there's peace

It's hard to surrender to what I can't see

but I'm giving in to something heavenly

That song often moves me to tears.  Chaos and peace:  that pretty much sums up the last 2 years.  Yes, it is possible to live with both.  I have and I still am.

Reflecting back on my life over the last 10 years (give or take), I had made some poor choices.  Choices that I, alone, made.  No one made them for me.  I blame no one else but my own reflection in the mirror.  I own my decisions.  From the moment I had Dimples and started to stay home to raise my babies, I found a comfort zone and STAYED THERE. 

I wasn't a light.  My family wasn't a light.  Oh sure, I served in my church.  I think serving in your church is essential.  But, I wasn't serving OUTSIDE of my church.  To Christians or non-Christians.  And, I wasn't being ministered to by other believers OUTSIDE of my church.  Believers that (gasp!) may not even see everything just as I do.

For many years, I chose to live my life in a comfortable, Christian bubble.  I liked to surround myself with people who parented just like me, who restricted the same TV shows in their homes, who banned the same music, who had most of the same values as me, who wouldn't question my morals, etc.  The list goes on and on.  It was comfortable not having to explain my positions; my convictions.  I didn't want anyone to rock my boat.  What if they did and I had to walk on water?! 

Truthfully, no one is going to shake my core foundation, unless I let them.  I believe in protecting my children.  I believe in having friends with similar beliefs.  I believe in living with convictions.  But, the Mama Bear in me was making our cave far too dim.  We are called to shine His light.  In the Bible it tells us that we are aliens in this world.  So, guess what God did to our family? 

He threw us out into the world.

He popped my "perfect" bubble.

He called us out of our church to a larger church with new believers (and even "seekers") every Sunday.  He told us to place our children in public schools, after several years of sacrificing to afford a private, Christian school.  He called us to be leaders.  He called us to be different.  He called us to be OK with explaining our beliefs when someone inquires.  He called us to teach our children to be leaders, not followers.  He called us to comfort our children when someone thinks they are different.  He called us to guide our children now, so later on they can't be shaken.  He called us to be a light.

I pray we are bright, blinding, shining beams.  Each one of us.

This is our journey.  Please know that I don't mean to imply anything other than that.  Yours may look completely different.  I won't judge you.  One of the things that makes God so amazing is His plan for each one of us.  It doesn't have to look the exactly the same in structure or stature, but the foundation is rock solid. 

That rock is Jesus Christ.

Thank you, Jesus. 

I am going to pry my fingers off of the door frame now...