~Poop On Jelly~

Our Family's Bitter/Sweet Life

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Inside of Me

Mrs. Nurse Boy here.

It was 2 years ago that our family started on what seemed like a scary journey.  God was literally pushing and shoving us out of our comfort zone.  I was the one in the family with both hands and both feet spread across the doorway frame; bracing myself, fighting with God, crying out for my comfort zone. 

God was calling us to leave our church of 10 years.  Not only that, but He was calling us out of our comfort zone.  I knew it was the right thing to do.  I had seen all of the doors close. Some of them even slammed in my face. I had some personal things I needed to change. We had some convictions that we needed to address.   I was ready to grow, but I never could have prepared myself for all of the changes.

I THOUGHT I knew why God was calling for major change in our lives.  Reflecting back, it was only the tip of the iceberg.  I had no idea all He was going to do in our lives.  In many ways, I still don't.  He is still moving.  And, sometimes, I find I am still bracing myself.  Truth be told, with all of my being, I want to let go of the door frame and just trust Him.  Sounds so easy, yet sometimes I struggle.

Over the last 2 years, the Sanctus Real song, "Whatever You're Doing" has been my theme song.  I am certain it was written just for me.  (You are welcome.)  Here is the chorus:

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

That song often moves me to tears.  Chaos and peace:  that pretty much sums up the last 2 years.  Yes, it is possible to live with both.  I have and I still am.

Reflecting back on my life over the last 10 years (give or take), I had made some poor choices.  Choices that I, alone, made.  No one made them for me.  I blame no one else but my own reflection in the mirror.  I own my decisions.  From the moment I had Dimples and started to stay home to raise my babies, I found a comfort zone and STAYED THERE. 

I wasn't a light.  My family wasn't a light.  Oh sure, I served in my church.  I think serving in your church is essential.  But, I wasn't serving OUTSIDE of my church.  To Christians or non-Christians.  And, I wasn't being ministered to by other believers OUTSIDE of my church.  Believers that (gasp!) may not even see everything just as I do.

For many years, I chose to live my life in a comfortable, Christian bubble.  I liked to surround myself with people who parented just like me, who restricted the same TV shows in their homes, who banned the same music, who had most of the same values as me, who wouldn't question my morals, etc.  The list goes on and on.  It was comfortable not having to explain my positions; my convictions.  I didn't want anyone to rock my boat.  What if they did and I had to walk on water?! 

Truthfully, no one is going to shake my core foundation, unless I let them.  I believe in protecting my children.  I believe in having friends with similar beliefs.  I believe in living with convictions.  But, the Mama Bear in me was making our cave far too dim.  We are called to shine His light.  In the Bible it tells us that we are aliens in this world.  So, guess what God did to our family? 

He threw us out into the world.

He popped my "perfect" bubble.

He called us out of our church to a larger church with new believers (and even "seekers") every Sunday.  He told us to place our children in public schools, after several years of sacrificing to afford a private, Christian school.  He called us to be leaders.  He called us to be different.  He called us to be OK with explaining our beliefs when someone inquires.  He called us to teach our children to be leaders, not followers.  He called us to comfort our children when someone thinks they are different.  He called us to guide our children now, so later on they can't be shaken.  He called us to be a light.

I pray we are bright, blinding, shining beams.  Each one of us.

This is our journey.  Please know that I don't mean to imply anything other than that.  Yours may look completely different.  I won't judge you.  One of the things that makes God so amazing is His plan for each one of us.  It doesn't have to look the exactly the same in structure or stature, but the foundation is rock solid. 

That rock is Jesus Christ.

Thank you, Jesus. 

I am going to pry my fingers off of the door frame now...


Rachel said...

God loves us too much to leave us without the choice to grow. Sometimes it's a swift kick out of the nest and a whole lotta trust, right?

Grateful to you for sharing... I feel like God is changing big things in our lives too!

Shana said...

Boy God is working on lots of people right now. I love your post and your honesty and I understand. it is hard to let go of that doorframe and say I need to shine more for God but I am right there with you lady! I will keep you guys in my prayers and would love if you would pray for me too please.

Pam @ Kassie's Beach said...

Great post. You are setting an example. Good for you.

Tractor Mom said...

The hardest thing is to turn loose and walk through the door. I commend you for making that walk!

Come by when the chaos gets easier...

Kmama said...

What a great post. Thank you for sharing your journey. I think it's hard for a lot of us to just trust and let go of our comfort zone!

Theresa said...

I just finished reading Sandi Patty's new book "The Edge of the Divine". She talks about the edge where something is likely to begin. Sounds like you are living on the edge. Not always a comfortable place, but it can be very exciting.


~Katie said...

Love this post! :)

Brandi said...

Great post! I think the Nurse People and their kiddos totally rock. ;)

Michelle said...

Prying your fingers off the door jam. I love that imagery.

I'm reminded of God when he told Noah to be fruitful and multiply and spread across then land, then they built the tower of babble so they wouldn't have to be spread out, so God mixed up their languages and scattered them. God says - it's my way or my way. We can do this the easy way or the hard way. You pick.

So glad you're following God's plan. Hopefully, it'll get easier and you learn to trust His plan more and more!

Karissa said...

Hi, I have beenn following your blog for a little while now but have never left a comment. I just wanted to say thank you for writing this, I really needed to hear it! God Bless!

Sir Nottaguy-Imadad said...

Having your comfort zone rocked is the pits. You can take comfort in knowing that you have The Rock to use as your foundation.

He & Me + 3 said...

Beautiful post my friend...I am feeling that same way and yet I am fighting against it. 1 because my dad is the pastor of the church we attend now...how do you tell your dad you feel it is time to move on? Pray for me. My family needs more we need...it is difficult.
Have you cut your hair yet? I can't even find a minute to cut it even if I wanted to. Still growing. Not fast enough though :)

Boy Mom said...

See, this post is why I big pink puffy heart love you so much. I am counting the minutes until we meet in person. Sometime soon I'm thinking. Your faith journey is so beautiful to me. I have been blessed by your example, your courage and your challenges. Hug!

Mummy McTavish said...

Ditto to Boy Mom. Except I doubt I'll be meeting you in person... *insert sad tears here* but one day we'll meet in heaven, once God has rocked our comfort zones a bit more.

Suz said...

I love the foundation you have chosen for you and your family. You are a great example of Christs' light and love. Thank you for sharing.