~Poop On Jelly~

Our Family's Bitter/Sweet Life

Monday, August 4, 2008

Rules of the Road

Mrs. Nurse Boy here.

Tonight we were out driving. Nurse Boy had the wheel when we almost ran over a squirrel. Unfortunately, he swerved and missed the squirrel. Nurse Boy does NOT understand the rules of the road while driving my van. (That's right. I said it. "MY van." Everyone else around here gets to say MINE all day long, why shouldn't I?)

I should start off by saying that it is a very well known fact that I, Mrs. Nurse Boy, HATE squirrels. Hate may not be a strong enough word for my true feelings about squirrels. My children think that they must protect the squirrels in our neighborhood from their vicious squirrel hating mom. They feel sorry for them. Meanwhile we must have 500, 000 of them living within a two block radius. About 100,000 of them call my three trees home. They wave at me, make faces at me, and even climb on my screen door and make noises at me. NO JOKE! The worst is when they climb on my roof and eat out of my gutters while smiling back at me, as if to say, "Ha, ha! You are providing food for me to stay alive." The best is when I find a dead one in my yard and I scream out to the others, "LET THIS BE A LESSON TO THE REST OF YOU!" No, I don't kill them. Really. I just dance on their graves.

So, my children know the rules of the road while mom is driving. I do not brake for squirrels. I do not slow down for squirrels. I do not swerve to miss squirrels. Those are the cold, hard facts. These are non-negotiable.

In all fairness, the children have negotiated a few things for the squirrels. I have agreed not to speed up for the squirrels or swerve to hit the squirrels (which I may or may not follow all the time).

I haven't hit one yet, but I am working on it. Every time the kids see a squirrel in the road, they hold their breath. As if that will save the squirrel's life. Maybe it has. Or they are all back there lifting that little squirrel up in prayer. Those little stinkers!!!

Nurse Boy isn't going to be driving my van if he can't follow the rules of the road. You might think it is harsh, but you would be on my side if you lived in my neighborhood.

Really, you would!


Chaos-Jamie said...

After the little bugger ate through my trampoline net to get to the acorns on the 'line they've been on my poop list, too.

mommy4life said...

I hit a chipmunk a few years ago and I tried to play it off with the kids...... I don't think they knew, but I don't brake for rodents either.....

Nurse Boy said...

If I am such a bad squirrel killer why am I the only one in the family to have two squirrel fatalities under his belt. I also got a bird once. Which by the way is another animal that Mrs. Nurse Boy hates. So Mrs. Nurse boy, what animal do you like? You sent the dog to his execution. You locked the cat in the basement. You are personaly responsible for the demise of about 25,000 chickens a year. Guess what's for dinner?

Nurse Boy said...

Nurse Boy,

Birds were sent here by Satan himself.

The dog wanted to take a bite out of Bruiser.

The cat wanted to pee on my carpet.

Chicken is good for you!

Imperfect Mom said...

All animals are God's creatures. You'd do well to remember that. I can't forget, because AM reminds me of that OVER EVERY STINKIN' ANIMAL KNOWN TO MAN.

Don't like the slimy snake at the zoo, "it's one of God's creatures, mom". How about the disgusting arachnid climbing the wall "don't smash it, mom, it's one of God's creatures".

I ask you: would God have invented shoes (or at least invented the person that invented the shoe) if He didn't intend for us to smash bugs?

I do swerve for squirrels, though. Not so much out of love for the squirrel, but more because I don't want to deal with the aftermath of squirrel bits stuck to my wheel well.

And for the record, I have a bird, a possum, a cat (but he lived) and a turtle that I really wanted to save, but that my sis convinced me was history and suggested I not run across the highway to check.

Nurse Boy said...

I LOVE that many of you share my hatred of these horrible creatures! It makes me smile!

Mrs. Nurse Boy